Mr Banners campaign to rid the world of Donks Continues.....Doc

by John Yossarian

There are things in life I do not understand:

-Why private companies, independent owners, cannot allow smoking in their business.
-Why owners cannot decide if his/her worker can drink on the job.
-Why those with numerous DUI's are given consideration in the court system.

What has happened to our societal choices? What has happened to individualized businesses'?
Why is that the minority have the voice of the many?
Who decides what is best for me: government/state or myself? If there is no monetary value in punishing criminals, is justice being truly 'blind'?

I digress.

Making your way in the world today.
Takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries.
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
Where everybody knows your name.


So, where does one go to get away? Surely it isn't a bar, anymore.



After telling my significant other that I was going to a Donk event, I grabbed my secret cigar case, beer chips and jumped into the bat mobile. I am a secret crime fighter. My secret powers are the ability to do basic math and employ basic logic through a memory log. I use these powers to tell others how they are wrong and I am right.
And I am, most of the time, right.

The fall breeze pushes through my window while my cigar smoke fights to escape. My vehicle glides along the frosty road at a smooth pace. The music penetrates the hollow core that shelters me. Nothing could be better. Life's simple subtleties can only be appreciated in a later stage of life. My current destination is to another BadgerDonk (.com) event. However my mind is on other issues. Because I know once I enter my place of refuge, I will encounter the resistance. They are those who have decided what is best for me. Inside my home and outside. So, I prepare for the battle (of cards and wit) with those who think they know what is best for me. And they are, all of the time, wrong.

This event is unlike the TavernDonk (.com) events. There are no 're-buys' (buying rounds to get chips). Once you are out, you are done. The blinds are more reasonable. However, the payout is horrific. 1st-3rd-get credit for food/drinks at the bar. How convenient for the establishment. But it gets better. You can pay $5 dollars, to get more chips, and the money goes into a pot called "Last Donk Standing". The Donk, whom sucks out the most, gets the pot. Yet, the 50% of the pot goes to the person running the event. WTF?!
Your scenery is a typical sports bar with outdoor volleyball court, karaoke stage, big stage for hicks to pounce and pool tables. Every man's dream. A home away from home. Except for mine. I hate pool. Tavern league volleyball? Are you fucking kidding me? And every time I hear someone attempt to sing at Karaoke night, it makes me wish for instant execution. As for the dancing, those days are long ago. The only good spot, if I was single, would be up at the bar. The scantly laid plethora and array of fish. Pick your fish. They fry. You go home with it.

I find an isolated seat at the bar to avoid social contact. With Excalibur in hand, I order a Guinness. Today I have money to burn so I order the good stuff. Tokers do I hate Miller. From my seat I can see the tables all set up. In fact, some Donks have started to play. Sign-up starts in half an hour. Just enough time to pollute my lungs and..

-"Hey, what is that?" - Some trout asks, interrupting.

"What? This? It's a cigar. Do you mind" - Asking as if I care, but being polite in return.

-"Those things are stinky! Enjoy them until July. The smoking ban goes into effect then." -She says, smiling, sitting three seats AWAY from me. Stupid bitch. She is referring to the smoking ban in all bars and restaurants that will be enforced in July, 2010.

"Yeah, I know. It's a win-win situation." - I retort.

-"Huh? No, I am fine with it. I can't stand the smoke. Wait, what do you mean?"

"Beginning July, you won't have to worry about my cigar, and I won't have to worry about you." - smirking.

I get up from the seat and exit stage left. Enough small idle chat. It's time to get down to business. I pay the $5 dollar penalty fee, grab my bag of chips and find a seat. The table is full of old-timers who have been playing this game badly for at least 20 years. They think they understand the game and how it should be played But, they are wrong. Two of them see that I have brought a cigar. It sits, because of my thoughtfulness, on a table a few feet away. Three of them are cigarette smokers. An older lady (rather kind I must say) asks what brings me out. Instantly I knew they were regulars and I was thought of as the outsider.
"Oh, nothing much. Just needed to get out and stretch my lungs and liver. I thought why not kill all three birds with one stone and play poker. You?"

-"No work tomorrow. You?"

"Nope. I wish I did."

*silence*

-"Where do you usually play?"- she inquires.
"I usually play ****** and *******. But I was in the neighborhood."

I know she is what she is really asking. But my answers politely say "bugger off".
Play starts with blinds at 200-400. My stack is at: 8000. The first two hands go around. I limp in next to the big blind with K-5. Not my usual hand I'd be in, with my position, but I thought I could take the blinds on the flop. Folds around to small and then big.
The flop comes: 4-J-5

I bet 1,200, to take it there. Call from the small blind (SB). Fold by the big blind (BB). I take a moment to look my donk in SB. About 20ish. Has his MP3 on, with his hat hanging Dan Harrington style. He looks the part but doesn't seem to play it.
Turn comes: 2

I check, he checks.

River: K

I check, hoping to get a bet. Donk bets 800. I raise it up to 3000. He calls instantly, flips his hand and says "I got you on the river." But he did it with an almost bravo, as if he KNEW he won. What confidence he has, in what will turn out to be a losing hand...

He shows: K-4

Now, usually, I'd flop it. But, I am the dark hero. The lesson starts now.

"Nice hand, good hit..."

I slowly turn the hand on the table while taking the chips.
The conversation turns, while shuffling is occurring, over the hands.
The Donk remarks something to another person "I was in the small blind. Not sure what was going on there..."

He turns to me, adding me into this conversation, and quips "So what was your excuse?", with a smirk and look of inquiry.

"I was in there to steal your pot."

The donk slumps back in his chair and turns silent.

But I have the Donks on a picture. They envision the dark hero as a blind stealer. A gambler without math. Oh, how wrong they are. My set-up works as the next few hands I get paid off.

5-5, raise 3x preflop. I hit trips. Check, bet, check bet. I get paid.

8-8, raise 3x preflop. I turn trips. Bet, call. Bet, call. I get paid.

A-A, limp in. Raise by BB. Reraise, call by BB. Flop is random, I bet out. He folds.

K-10 in SB. Flop gives me "two-purr" (As Negreanu would say). I check, he bets, I re-raised. I get paid.

The young donk and I entangle again. I raise 3x with 7-7. Fold around to him, he calls from the BB. Flop: A-K-A. T
The pot: 3,000.

I bet out 1,500 to see what may be going on. He smooth calls. He must have an Ace or King. I plan on shutting it down on the turn.

Turn: 7

Jackpot! What a luck sack I am. Woo hoo. Time to punish him.

I stick with my original plan. He checks, I check.
River: 4

He bets: 6,000. He leaves 2,000 behind. I flat call.

He shows: A-J

"See, I was nice, I didn't even re-raise you."

He is not amused.

Random Donk - "Wow, you're getting a lot of good hands there. I wish I could play as well."

Two Donks look over, as to agree, as to say 'you're lucky, kid'.
"It isn't the hands but the players paying me off. I'm playing quality hands and getting called down by garbage. Whose fault is that?" - I reply with a swig of my beer and head for a puff of my fine cigar.

*End of conversation*

Final table begins and I am Jamie Gold's big stack. So, I head to the bar to have an affair with my cigar. I could tell a few people were annoyed at this. Who cares. I'm like a rich republican; let them tax me so it can feed the poor. Fair.

I come back 20 minutes later and knock off another donk who pushes his stack in on the flop with Ace high. I call and proceed to river him with the best hand. A few hands later I catch rockets and just smooth call. The BB checks, the flop comes and he also shoves. I insta-call and he knows he is beat, getting up from his chair.
Final three people.

I let the two young donks fight. One hits a bitter end and it is heads-up. I offer a money split of the "last donk standing". The pot is at $30. WTF?! I know at least 20 people paid the $5. But the person running the event is also the same person who I smashed earlier on. He doesn't want to cooperate. I give the other donk the 1st place, so he can have the 'points' and larger bar tab. Tokers, I don't need them. Consider it charity.

I head to the bar for one last drink. I offer a drink and a nice tip to the bartender. He turns it down saying he isn't allowed.

"Why?"

- "New legislation coming out it."

"Oh yeah. Shouldn't your owner decide what is best for his own business?'

- "Yep! End of freedom. Sorry bud, but thanks anyhow"

As I end this conversation, I hear the end conversation from two young perch.
- "Maybe he wants to buy us shots. I don't think he is anti-social"

I am the only ONE left at the bar. They are obviously talking about me, without talking to me. *sigh*

The other girl remarks "Oh, never mind, he is married, right? Check for ring. Yep! Married!"

After hearing this, I head for the door. I don’t deal with bottom-feeders.


Is Mr. Banners Saga over? Will he succeed in his campaign? I'll let you know..Doc